just all messed up...
I feel like I'm at the centre of a joke that everyone's laughing at, and I have no idea why it's so funny. Like everyone knows something that I don't, and I just look like a complete fool because of it. Everyone else understands, and I'm just too naive to get it...
I don't know why I feel so down all of a sudden, perhaps it's just getting to that time of the month (terrible excuse, I know, but it's probably the most likely)...I'm sad, and I don't know why. I HATE feeling like this. And I'm shutting myself out from the world, I know I am, but when I get like this I prefer not to see anyone because I know what a total bitch I can be and I know that I don't want to bring anyone else down with me. I just need to get out of it sometimes, you know, have time to myself to sit down with my crazy thoughts and mull over everything and try to make some sense of whatever the hell I'm worried about. Sometimes I don't even know anymore, and I do it just because I can. Sometimes I just want to sit down and cry, but I can't...sometimes I just want to scream so loud that it will make it all go away...
But then I think of everything that I have, and I feel so damned selfish and stupid...why the hell should I be upset over anything when I'm so lucky? I am lucky, I know - I have things in my life that most people couldn't really dream of having - I'm healthy, I have a family who loves and cares about me, I have THE best friends in the whole world, and without them, I'd be shit...but I guess I'm scared I'm going to take it all for granted, I mean I have taken things for granted before and when they've been taken away from me, I have to wonder if I'm a bad person and I deserve the bad things that happen. I really don't want to be a bad person, but sometimes I can't help but think that i have the right to be a little bit selfish - I know that plenty of people are - but the majority of the time, I'm the least selfish person there is. I ALWAYS put other people before myself, not because I have to but because I want to. I don't expect anything back in return, not at all...but i just wish that i wouldn't feel so guilty when i do get something back in return...i wish that i could be more gracious...
I know I sound like I'm whingeing...but honestly, doesn't everyone feel this way sometimes? Don't we all just get to a stage where we all want to say fuck off to the world and lock ourselves away and never want to come out? I guess I'm just there at the moment...i want out...I'll get over it before tonight ends though, just a simple little bel phase, I know...and now I definately think enough with the dramatics...
I don't know why I feel so down all of a sudden, perhaps it's just getting to that time of the month (terrible excuse, I know, but it's probably the most likely)...I'm sad, and I don't know why. I HATE feeling like this. And I'm shutting myself out from the world, I know I am, but when I get like this I prefer not to see anyone because I know what a total bitch I can be and I know that I don't want to bring anyone else down with me. I just need to get out of it sometimes, you know, have time to myself to sit down with my crazy thoughts and mull over everything and try to make some sense of whatever the hell I'm worried about. Sometimes I don't even know anymore, and I do it just because I can. Sometimes I just want to sit down and cry, but I can't...sometimes I just want to scream so loud that it will make it all go away...
But then I think of everything that I have, and I feel so damned selfish and stupid...why the hell should I be upset over anything when I'm so lucky? I am lucky, I know - I have things in my life that most people couldn't really dream of having - I'm healthy, I have a family who loves and cares about me, I have THE best friends in the whole world, and without them, I'd be shit...but I guess I'm scared I'm going to take it all for granted, I mean I have taken things for granted before and when they've been taken away from me, I have to wonder if I'm a bad person and I deserve the bad things that happen. I really don't want to be a bad person, but sometimes I can't help but think that i have the right to be a little bit selfish - I know that plenty of people are - but the majority of the time, I'm the least selfish person there is. I ALWAYS put other people before myself, not because I have to but because I want to. I don't expect anything back in return, not at all...but i just wish that i wouldn't feel so guilty when i do get something back in return...i wish that i could be more gracious...
I know I sound like I'm whingeing...but honestly, doesn't everyone feel this way sometimes? Don't we all just get to a stage where we all want to say fuck off to the world and lock ourselves away and never want to come out? I guess I'm just there at the moment...i want out...I'll get over it before tonight ends though, just a simple little bel phase, I know...and now I definately think enough with the dramatics...
posted by Bella @ 9:06 PM
0 comments
